A couple days ago I received what could be the best holiday present ever. My parents-in-law (parent-in-laws?) sent us four pounds of Stumptown Hair Bender coffee. I have been a self-proclaimed coffee snob ever since I moved to Portland over 7 years ago, but I didn’t even realize what this meant until we received the Stumptown package in the mail. I opened up the box and was greeted by the aroma of freshly roasted coffee beans. And resting on top was a little book (what they call a “coffee zine”) produced by Stumptown explaining how to craft the perfect cup of coffee.
When our Krups auto-drip coffee maker broke about 9 months ago, we decided to get a French press. This only contributed to my coffee snobbery… only swill-consuming commoners drink drip coffee. The Stumptown coffee zine reaffirmed this belief. In fact, nowhere in the zine do they talk about auto-drip machines. Obviously auto-drip machines can’t create the perfect cup of coffee, and it would be sacrilege to use Stumptown beans in such a diabolical machine.
So with my air of superiority, I began reading the zine, thinking I already know everything there is to know about making coffee.
If I thought I was a coffee snob, this zine made me look like a Folgers drinker.
First, I didn’t know there was a difference in coffee bean grinders. We’ve been using a Krups grinder we got for our wedding many years ago. Apparently it chops the beans, it doesn’t grind them. I now need to go and get a burr grinder. Side note: anyone wanting to get me a conical burr grinder, let me know.
Second, the coffee grounds in the French press need a lot more attention than I’m giving them. They need to be coddled, bloomed, stirred, admired, stirred again, and gently hugged to gain the best flavor. And I’ve been dumping boiling water on them, stirring them up, then ignoring them for 6 minutes.
Third, experts disagree on the best device to make coffee. Some say the French press. Others say a Cafe Solo makes the best coffee. Or a vacuum pot. Or a moka pot. Or a La Pavoni. Shows what I know.
My wife said the coffee zine is exactly the kind of thing I need to obtain useless knowledge to increase my coffee snobbery. I think she was being sarcastic.
At any rate, a big thank you to L & S for contributing to both my coffee snobbery and caffeine intake. I will share the coffee with my sarcastic wife. After all, she’s the one who got me addicted to coffee in the first place and made me the coffee snob I am today. She also happens to support my sarcasm habit. And I mean that in a good way. Really. (Boy, that statement doesn’t come off quite right after claiming to be sarcastic. Well, she knows what I mean. Love and kisses, sweetie, if you’re reading the blog.)
While I am pretty sure that I am the last person that should make any comment about coffee (since I don’t drink it), the whole coffee snob thing seems to be a lot of work for a warm caffinated breakfast beverage.
The “zine” however is a great idea.
Yes, this is marketing 101 (well it might fall under a 200 level course), but by dropping some java knowledge on you, your opinion about stumptown’s quality beans went up. Now to eek every iota of potential out of them, you need to buy more stuff and apply the techniques they suggest (ie the bar is raised). Cyclically you like their product even more by applying the education you recieved at their hands and are grateful not only for their attention to “your” needs, but for the great cup of joe in your hand and ask yourself when you need to replenish your supply of stumptown goodness. You are hooked for life.
Heck, pour me a cup.
1:15 am / 28 December 2006